Cooking With Legolas
by WearTheMask
Summary: Legolas's hilarious new cooking show! Coming soon to a television station near you!A repost from long ago...


Disclaimer: I seriously doubt J.R.R. Tolkien would parody his own characters, therefore….I do not own anything you recognize in this.

Editor's Note (5/25/11): So, uh, it's been...3 and 1/2 years. A whole heck of a lot has happened in 3& 1/2 years. There was this thing with college and finding jobs and one of us moving 900 miles away from the other. Puff, I'm looking at you here. Oh, also, Puff finally watched Lord of the Rings and is now beginning to read the books as well, so this is a bit different from the days of Cooking With Legolas when she refused to watch the movies. Judge us gently on this first chapter and save forming a real opinion for chapter two. Please. We beg of you.

Editor's Note(12/9/07): This is a very short first chapter. Think of it as a pilot episode. The chapters that follow will be longer. (Just as soon as we find the following chapters…For those of you who remember, this story was posted long, long ago, and the admin deleted it, for reasons I no longer care to remember. We hope to find the missing chapters, or just plain write more soon.) And remember, this is a parody. People are out of character. Do not review/flame to tell me so. I already know that. It's supposed to be that way.

* * *

Puff introduces…

**Cooking With Legolas**

* * *

We enter a studio. A television studio. Legolas is standing in a kitchen, wearing a chef hat and an apron that says "Have you hugged an elf today?" He stares at us. Then he smiles.

"Hello. I'm Legolas. Welcome to Cooking with Legolas. As you probably guessed, I'm the Legolas in question and I'll be cooking."

The audience smacks themselves.

"For my first dish, I will be making BBQ Balrog." Legolas announces. "Then we will make fish Gollum style. And then, onion rings of power!"

Audience smacks themselves once again.

"Haldir, my balrog." Legolas calls.

Nothing happens.

"Haldir, my balrog. Now." Legolas repeats.

Nothing

"HALDIR! Get your booty out here! Today!" Legolas orders, "I don't have forever. Actually I do, but that doesn't matter."

Haldir wanders out, pulling a wagon with a dead balrog on it.

"Here," he snorts. He reads Legolas's apron and hugs himself. He then wanders off.

"Thank you, Haldir," Legolas grins. He frowns down at the balrog. "Not dead enough."

Legolas pulls out his bow and shoots the balrog more times than necessary. About a hundred to be exact. Once he is certain the balrog is dead, Legolas smiles again.

"Now, you put it on a big grill and grill it," Legolas tells us. "For our next recipe we have a special guest. Gollum!"

Gollum wanders out. He reads Legolas's apron. Gollum hugged Legolas. Legolas makes a face that can be translated to say "Oh my gosh. I am terrified."

"My precious," Gollum says.

"Help me." Legolas stammers.

Gollum backs away. "Time to cook," he says.

"Yes, of course," Legolas steps away from Gollum. "Haldir, the fish."

Five fish are thrown out from backstage. One hits Gollum in the head. Legolas dives under the table for cover.

"There! Your fish!" Haldir yells.

Legolas comes back out. He smiles.

"Thank you, Haldir. Now, Gollum, what do we do?" Legolas asked.

"We takes the fishes," Gollum picks up a fish by the tail. "And we beats it! We beats it! We beats it! WE BEATS!"

He smacks the fish against the table. Legolas shrugs, smiles, and does the same.

"It is a good way to relieve stress," Gollum informs.

"Yes," Legolas agrees. "Dumb dwarfs!"

He beats the fish against the table even harder. Guts fly everywhere. Gollum dives under the table for cover. Legolas stops and grins.

"Sorry. Got a little carried away," he says. "Now what do we do, Gollum?"

"We eats it," Gollum answers as he crawls out from under the table.

"Raw?" Legolas asks.

"Yessss," Gollum replies and bites the head off his fish.

Legolas gags. He has beat his fish so much there is nothing left but a tail.

"Haven't you ever heard of sushi?" Gollum asks.

"Sushi! This is Mirkwood, not China!" Legolas yells.

"I think you mean Japan!" Haldir shouts from backstage.

Legolas glares towards the curtained off area, and then at Gollum. "Now leave. Time to make onion rings of power! To help me out, here's Frodo!"

Frodo wanders out. Haldir drags Gollum away. Frodo reads Legolas's apron and hugs him for less than half a second.

"I need a new apron," Legolas says.

He rushes backstage and returns with an apron that says, "Have you smacked a hobbit today?"

Frodo reads it and slaps himself. He hits himself so hard that he is now unconscious.

Legolas rolls his eyes.

"Skip the stupid onion rings!" Legolas shouts. "This has been Cooking with Me. See you next week!"

* * *

The End


End file.
